I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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