god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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