Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
