Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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