I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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