He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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