her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
