I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We are two peas in an std pod
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
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