Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
