yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
