I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
