walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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