haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
home. puking in laundry basket.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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