just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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