You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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