You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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