Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
