i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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