Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize