Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
