you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
