M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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