woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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