the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
