So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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