I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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