Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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