I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
