Having a random hookup so left but love u
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
