i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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