I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
