My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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