Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
