if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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