there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
