That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's shark week go big or go home
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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