How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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