I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
