Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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