Your face is a jimmy john
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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