I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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