Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
