I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
