I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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