College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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