i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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