The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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