Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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