She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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