i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
