dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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