He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize