I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
