he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
