guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
