she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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